Thursday, December 16, 2004

Elfworlds, Part 2

"Nyquil comes in two colors -- red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like -- red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, Nyquil makes a dandy egg nog!"

-- Lewis Black, "The White Album"
Sorry, Shane, for contributing to your cold. As it happens, I've been sick too, and I've just spent a good part of the past two days on that incubator for communicable diseases, a commercial airliner.

Anyway, I had some time to think, so I came up with more fantastic Santa situations. I'm sure the Nyquil helped with these.

2a. Addendum to the Superman Origin: Naturally, in the Silver Age, the reindeer would all be fellow refugees from Kring-El's home planet, shot into space either as an experiment or on the last chunk of habitation to survive.

Back to the list....

8. The Silver Age Marvel Comics Origin: Kriss Kringle was a wealthy toy inventor who nevertheless hated children and liked nothing better than pricing his creations just out of the average child's reach. All that changed when he suffered a horrible accident and lost the use of his hands. Seeking a cure in the farthest reaches of the North, he was gored by a reindeer and left for dead. However, he was nursed back to health and given an artificial heart by an ancient tribe of elves. Kringle then saved the tribe's kindly leader from an assassination attempt, and so discovered that the reindeer's wound had given him fantastic powers. Regardless, the powers disfigured Kringle, and he grew a beard and gained 75 pounds in order to hide his deformity. Ultimately, though, Kringle realized that his selfish days were over, and swore to bring joy to the hearts of billions.

9. The NFL Films Crossover (I've been renting Super Bowl highlights from Netflix for the past few weeks): "Nine reindeer, each on nine different missions, but with one singular purpose. Find Santa Claus -- and punish him."

10. Marketing Santa The DC/Marvel 2004 Big-Event Way: "This issue -- An Elf Dies!"

11. The J. Michael Straczynski Origin: Beats me. I'm up to issue #12 and the main character still hasn't met all his reindeer yet.

12. The Jolly Old Elf Returns: In a gloomy future, somehow George W. Bush is still President, Rudolph is missing, and Santa hasn't been heard from in 15 years. However, when the Heat-Miser's grip on Christmastown pushes the man known as Kriss Kringle past the point of sanity, Santa comes out of retirement in a big way. Hunted by the police on millions of breaking-and-entering charges, Santa and his "Sons of the Claus" decide to show the world the true meaning of Christmas ... with extreme prejudice. Sample quote: "There's nothing wrong with this toy that I can't fix -- with my hands...."


5 comments:

Dave said...

The Marvel solicitation copy way:

"Do you like elves? Do you like reindeer? Do you like Santa? Would you like to see Santa fight elves and reindeer? THIS IS THE BOOK FOR YOU!!!"

Tom Bondurant said...

That's great! For a second I seriously thought I'd missed Marvel's special holiday book!

Jeff R. said...

11 sounds more like the Bendis origin. Isn't the JMS the one where we learn that Mrs. Claus bore the illegitimate children of the Burger-meister MeisterBurger?

Tom Bondurant said...

Good points, but I can't think of a Bendis project that has moved as slowly as Supreme Power.

Shane Bailey said...

"Beats me. I'm up to issue #12 and the main character still hasn't met all his reindeer yet."

That line seriously made me laugh out loud.